One Thing I Desire
My head rests gently on the soft cotton pillow, the pale yellow quilt tucked cozily to my ears in the dark of the summer evening at Grandma’s house. My eyes gaze peacefully on the dancing fireflies my brother and I caught earlier that evening in clear glass jars. The sticky warm breeze rustles the dainty curtains and brushes my cheek as my gaze shifts out the window and into the vast night sky where countless more fireflies bounce and dance freely in rhythm to the far away train that lulls me sleep.
How many times in recent days I’ve wanted to capture this feeling, this moment of pure innocence and safety I experienced as a young child. To live my days wholly alive and sleep peacefully in a house fully enveloped in love.
I read through Psalms and see this same desire in David:
4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
- Psalm 27:4-5 NIV
David craves God’s presence and the safety of His home. I share this homesickness with David who spent much of his adult days running and defending himself from enemies. Crying out to God for protection. I, too, sense a nonstop running exhaustion in this spiritual battle and long for rest in God’s house.
This current season of life feels weary as I struggle to find my place in this new church my husband pastors. To build relationships and use my gifts to serve. I awkwardly lean into various opportunities that just don’t “click.” A pastor’s wife role is strange to me, even after many years. I ruminate on imaginary expectations and how to behave appropriately. I fear judgment. Past accusations have cut deep. My wounded heart still heals from old hurts I struggle to let go of.
As a mother, my three sons grow fast into men; I ache to hold them longer and have so much more nurturing and love to give before they fly free. All this brings a loneliness and lostness in new uncharted territory.
I want to be stronger than this current identity crisis I’m experiencing. But I wrestle down demons of insecurity, of not being good enough as a pastor’s wife or as a mother. Believing lies that I’ve failed miserably. I’m exhausted in the fight.
Today I quietly dwell on David’s words. I cry out to God for rest. The memory as a young child at my grandmother’s washes over me. I feel again the sticky breeze of summer, the magic of dancing fire flies and the innocence of childhood. God’s rest and His presence meet me there. Tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I am overcome with emotion as the moment long ago gives a taste of what God’s house will be like in His eternal presence, fully known by Him.
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! - 1 Corinthians 13:12 MSG
For now, I meditate on these images and Scriptures as I wait in this in-between space, trusting God’s love and acceptance to carry me through.
